As I mentioned in part one, I believe at this point all churches should have a website. I guess I am spoiled because in the late 90s to early years of this decade, I attended Westview Baptist in Boone as well as my Dad’s church, and they had a website then. They were a little ahead of the curve.
As I digress, this is my idea for the finding the right church guide. Churchgoers submit their opinions in a survey. Based on the answers given, the guide will recommend a church in the searcher’s geographic area. Along with that are two options: “Get directions” and “I’ve been burned by this church. Please tell the next match.” The aim is, ultimately, to match person with compatible church with the least amount of hurt feelings as possible, because, in today’s society, feelings matter more than getting your toes stepped on. Someone say amen to my spiritual sarcasm!
This section is the question churchgoers would submit about Pastors. They are the face of the church, as scary as that can be! The questions would be as follows:
1: Choose your denomination. (A scrolling list of 47 or so denominations rolls out.)
2: My Pastor preaches in the style of:
A: T. D. Jakes. Let’s shout, get all excited, and DANCE!
B: Chuck Swindoll. Teaching the people with insight.
C: Rick Warren. Teach me my purpose.
D: Joel Osteen. Make me smile. Just make me smile.
E: Rob Bell. Lots of questions, but few answers.
F: Barack Obama. Great with the teleprompter, but without it…
G: Oprah Winfrey. Do I need to say more?
3: The Pastor preaches about tithing:
A: Occasionally
B: Seldom
C: Never
D: If his mouth is open, he’s talking about it
4: The pastor’s most annoying habit is that he (check all that apply):
A: Spits as he speaks
B. Shouts or takes those loud breaths
C: Is too quiet
D: THINKS THE MICROPHONE IS ALWAYS BROKEN!
E: Constantly refers to himself as “we”
5: There is not a Sunday that goes by that the Pastor does not (check all that apply):
A: Seek to shake everyone’s hand
B: Present an invitation
C: Present four invitations to get someone to come
D: Step on my toes
E: Quote Oprah
F: Quote Rick Warren
G: Quote Joel Osteen
6: My Pastor has done the following to appear “cool” (check all that apply):
A: Stop wearing ties
B: Stop wearing dress clothes to service
C: Stop wearing shoes (hey, man, Jesus wore sandals!)
D: Began using a headset microphone
E: Began sitting down to give his sermons
7: Our Pastor preaches from the:
A: King James Version, because that’s what Jesus used
B: KJV, because he likes the language of it
C: New King James Version, to not totally offend older members
D: New International Version, because times have changed, man!
E: New Living Translation, to appeal to younger members
F: I had no idea there were different versions of the Bible
G: What is a Bible, and why would my Pastor use it?
8: My Pastor believes the Bible is:
A: Again, what is a Bible?
B: Obsolete
C: Full of questionable material
D: A nice book to help with his sermon
E: The infallible, unchangeable Word of God
9: My Pastor was recently seen (check all that apply):
A: at Wal-Mart
B: at the Christian bookstore
C: at the buffet
D: at the sports bar
E: at the video store (and I don’t mean Blockbuster!)
F: in the police blotter
G: on his knees before God
This concludes the Pastor section of the survey. Sadly enough, this became a commentary of where many of today’s churches are! Like politics, many Pastors have gone away from the Word of God in favor of focus groups, the latest book on how to be a Pastor, and cowing to popular sentiment. They are afraid to teach the true Word of God because it might cost them a member, upset a deacon, or offend someone. Guess what-the Gospel IS offensive! It has to wound us before it can heal us! Many more fail to live the life that they set before us to live, and it turns many away. I will continue this series looking at music, but I hope you see where I’m going. I want the real thing!
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