You have to have a fertile mind to have a blog, I do believe. My mind is somewhat fertile, but it only allows for inspiration once a week. But you may be wondering, what do I struggle with most of all? I have chronicled the hardships of the past year, and I have offered bits and pieces of inspiration in the middle of that. But I would say the greatest struggle I have is this:
Depression is not my friend, but it is a constant companion of mine.
That is the danger of this fertile mind. It can trap me with my thoughts. It forces me to dwell on things I cannot change. It reminds me I am not in control, what I have not done correctly, and encourages me to worry about them. That fear also causes me to think I am a failure, not worthy of the love of my family, friends, or even the God that sent His son to redeem me.
That fear leads to the fear that I will fail, which attacks my pride, which encourages me to believe that I cannot do anything. I fear that anything that changes will cause me to lose my current identity, that I will be less of a man, a husband and a father that I am supposed to be. This leads me to basically want to assume the fetal position on the couch. I can't even sleep well, because my dreams are not pleasant.
I honestly doubt I could be any more honest than that. In this situation I am hard to encourage. I basically want to be left alone, and that is the most dangerous place for me.
That is the truth regarding my struggle. If you should find me in this position, put something in my hand. Encourage me. Reach out to me. Remind me of the God I serve, and His promises that are yes and amen. Remind me that I can do all things through His strength, and that He is for me. Point out His blessings in my life.
I may not seem receptive, but trust me: each reminder will loosen the trap of my mind, little by little. I cannot promise that I will not step back into the trap, but it will be good to be free for a while.
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